My childhood.
For the most part my childhood was good, however my parents
were lost in the pain of their own childhood. It was the day I spent the night at one of
my friend’s house that I realized my family life was different; there was a
sense of love that my family didn’t have.
Typical Teenager
I didn’t experience the love and security I needed at
home. My parents didn’t hate or ignore me, but it seemed our family just
existed in this world, living in a home together yet separate. Sometimes I felt
like a burden because my mom always complained about money. Often I felt like
the peacemaker in the midst of all the petty fighting about dishes, dirty
laundry, etc. I tried to make things “nice” so that all would be better and I
could maybe be happy. Little did I know there was more to this emptiness I was
feeling inside.
Wrong Crowd
Soon I began to hang out with the wrong crowd, looking
for love in all the wrong places. Let’s just say that by the age of thirteen I
had been used by so many boys in an attempt to “feel” loved. I was
numb to all that I was doing; I shut myself off and couldn’t feel anything. To
this day, I don’t know how I don’t have Aids, didn’t get pregnant, didn’t get
into drugs or get killed. On second thought, yes I do know how … God. He is the
only answer I have. It was a very sad time; I was living a double life; nobody
knew this about me. Eventually my life took a turn for the better but the scars
still played their part.
Marriage
I honestly don’t remember much about the first years of
marriage. We had lived together before marriage, so it wasn’t as though too
much had changed. I remember more after our first child was born. I came home feeling
so confused. I felt like a child having a child and I wasn’t sure what to do. I
was over-protective, worried about everything and I consumed myself with this
new little life. This child was my new love and this new life needed me in a
way that I never felt needed before. This child loved me no matter what. But
after a few years I started getting the hang of things.
Scars in Action
Meanwhile my marriage had changed as most do after having
children. We weren’t focused on each other, the demands of a little one, and me
figuring out who I was, drained me. I shut down and started going through the
motions again. I didn’t understand. I had everything: a wonderful husband, a
beautiful child, a house, a car … why wasn’t I happy? Little by little my
husband slipped away and began seeking love somewhere else. I suspected it, but
ignored the signs and refused to believe it. After all I was pregnant for our
second child, how could he do this? Well, if you put up enough walls and don’t
open the door it is only natural to go to another “door”. The suspicion
remained but not confirmed until a few years later.
Who am I?
Let me back up a bit. You see, before I got pregnant for
my second child I was trying to figure myself out. I was reading the bible,
self-help books, and even got psychiatric help. I knew that I was
messed up and I needed to do something about it before it was too late. I didn’t
know exactly what to do, but I was pretty sure it had something to do with “finding”
Jesus. I hated who I was. Not that I was a bad person to others; in fact,
everyone else looked at me as though I had it all under control! I had low
self-esteem and I kept replaying in my mind the events of my pre-teen and teen
years. I didn’t know who I was; all I could see in the mirror was this person that
had everything … yet nothing.
Victim
In the midst of all this, suddenly there was a surprising
divorce in the family and news of sexual abuse. It confirmed my suspicions that
I myself had been a victim when I was young, but knowing this made it even
harder to love myself. I didn’t see myself as a victim, rather I blamed myself!
The family divorce made me look closer at my own marriage and I realized how
broken it was: I was unhappy, pregnant with a second child, and was watching my
husband slowly drift away.
Transformation
Somehow we managed to live day by day and to have a third
child. However in my misery I began searching for happiness in God and I began to be transformed. It was a slow process but little by little the “wall”
started to come down. When I was faced with the hardest time in my marriage,
confronting the “other person” who was disrupting my marriage, Christ was with
me. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life! But at this point I had
been recently received into the church, and I had Christ within me. I was
confident because he cleansed me from my sins and I could feel his love
transform me and I was finally able to, in turn, forgive and love others. I could
even love my enemies. I was fighting for this marriage because I knew God had
put us together and he led us on this path for a reason and I wasn’t going to
throw it all away by letting my pride get in the way of forgiving two people
that hurt me so deeply. I chose to love because I knew it was what God wanted
me to do and that made me happy. Finally, I was happy. I turned to adoration of
the Blessed Sacrament many times at this point, it was a place to go where I
could let it all out in prayer and be renewed in hope.
Regrets
After my third child I had a tubal ligation. Back then
the decision was easy, I knew my marriage was in trouble, how could I possibly
add more children to this mess? (I was so childish in my thoughts.) I remember
thinking my husband wanted me to do this and I wanted him to stay so maybe this
would help. It was as simple as that! Nobody really tried to change my mind. I even
tried to get it reversed but between the time I had the sterilization and
learned the teachings of the church my uterus was damaged. It was too dangerous.
To this day it is the one thing in my life that I regret the most and still
have not completely come to terms with. I struggle with feelings of regret and
sometimes anger. Yet, what I really hear God telling me is to forgive myself
and to continue to work on my marriage.
God’s Take
God knows the wounds are still there and even though he has given me the grace to forgive, he knows what I can handle and what I can’t. So for now, I continue to raise my three beautiful children and ask God for guidance every day to help me be the best mom and wife that I can be.
Afterthought
When I met my husband, he had a vision for the future
like no one else I knew. He loved me like I had never been loved before. He continues
to be the most wonderful man, so full of hope, happiness, and joy. Sometimes
when I look at him, I feel sad that my childhood experiences shaped the path
for our marriage. He deserved better than this. Yes, he played his part in the
deterioration of this marriage and for that he is also sorry. Yet he continues
to be an example of love, patience and kindness. God put us together and now we
have the task to get to heaven with our children. I love him
more now than I've ever loved him; it is an ever changing love. I hope that God
allows us to grow old together before taking us home, because I think he will
use us in the future to help other couples, perhaps not now, but some day in the future.
Love for Christ
My life may have turned out differently if I were born to
parents that knew the love of God, understood sacrificial love and knew what
marriage really means. But I wouldn’t change it now because this is the path
that brought me to Christ. I truly know that Christ loves me. I still may not
have great self-esteem and I still struggle with many other issues that stem
from my past, but I know that he loves me as I am, and I can reach out to others
who have been hurt because I know their pain.
I can forgive because I have been forgiven.
I can love because I am loved.
By A Catholic Like You
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